The Minotaur and the Satyr

Did I ever tell you about the time I caught the Sun?

See, where I grew up; it was dark all the time. Cold, and really, really hard to make your way without constantly tripping yourself up and falling face first into some shit. But everyday, there was the Sun. So high up and somehow still so bright. And my Gods the warmth! It was like being wrapped inside joy; as if love was something tangible that you could touch and wrap around yourself like a blanket that would never get cold.

I looked at the Sun everyday. I admired it. "One day," I told myself, "One day, I'm going to catch it and I'll never be cold or in the darkness ever again!" It was such a higher power to me. Everything it represented was everything I felt inside about myself. I knew that I belonged with the Sun; that I had somehow been born wrong and the darkness that was supposed to feel like home felt alien next to even the idea of the Sun.

The day that I caught the sun was the happiest day of my life. For the first time I felt complete. I felt whole next to a love that matched my own. I felt every drop of its light as a kiss on my thirsty lips. My soul was sated in its arms and I felt safe away from the darkness that had been my home for so long.

And I clung to this love so tightly that, through the light, I didn't see the darkness that still surrounded me. I held the Sun to my breast as a greedy miser; desperate to escape the cold, loneliness of the past. I burned myself in its heat and I blinded myself with its light until I could no longer see anything but memories of days gone by.

What did the Sun do? That day I learned that the Sun's light is for everyone. That the darkness follows us all. The Sun is so bright that it can see the beauty that I couldn't. The Sun is so warm that it turns the barren wasteland of the coldest heart into all of the love in the world when flowers bloom and trees blow in the breeze. The Sun is so much more than the love of a good man that was born into darkness.

So I let the Sun go.

And the Sun, it did set that night, it's parting gift to me the return of my sight and healing of my burns. With eyes that looked upon the World anew I watched it go. Our time together must have taken its toll on the Sun as well because as it sank to sleep it seemed bruised; purple and red and blue as if it too had been battered by my greed. I whispered an oath of my undying love and devotion to the wind in the hopes the message would be carried on the horizon to the Sun's ears. Then I turned and I returned to the darkness that had been my home; after all, you don't expect a sunset to admire you back.

But that isn't the end.

No sooner had I turned my head than I saw a something emerge from the dark. Beautifully tanned skin covered rippling muscles from torso to head where two massive horns curved backward in a spiral. Soft, brown fur covered the legs of a mighty beast that seemed ready to pounce at a moment's notice. A lopsided grin twisted his mouth and melted my heart as this beautiful Satyr let out a bellow of laughter.

"Beautiful man," he laughed, "Where do you think the Sun goes at night?" And he wrapped me in his arms and I felt complete. I felt whole next to a love that matched my own. I felt every drop of his light pass through me as our lips met in a kiss dominated by passion. My soul was sated. "You only need let go, because even the Sun needs a break from the darkness."

"Will you stay?" I asked.

"Not forever." said the Satyr, "But for a time. For a time. And then the Sun will have to rise again."

"What will I do then?" I asked fearfully.

"Always remember that the sunset does admire you back." he answered.

Offering

I've come here to sing your praises
To lay prostrate at your feet
The newest disciple of a dogma
Long since turned to dust.

I've come here to offer myself
Once again on the blank page
Piously offering words and verse
Ignoble is my reverence.

The words are all I have.
The words are all I am.
And I offer them to you.

I've come here basking in your beauty
To offer faith in perpetuity
Professing a love I've not felt
For what love can a mortal offer a God?

I've come here to feel again,
The sanctuary of your embrace
The solace offered by your smile
The pleasure of your penetration


The words are all I have.
The words are all I am.
And I offer them to you.

Awakened from your love
Forever changed by your touch
Cast down from Olympus
With a piece of heaven to share

Alive in your shadow

Fertility as divine copulation
Born of an ancient one's seed
What have I to give in return?

The words are all I have.
The words are all I am.
And I offer them to you.

Beautiful Boy

Beautiful boy

Sleeping so soundly

What dreams do you have

In your peaceful night's slumber?

Beautiful boy

So much awaits

In the many days to come

So much life yet to live

Beautiful boy

My heart aches for you

For wounds already dealt

For hardships yet to come

Beautiful boy

Sleeping so soundly

I promise my best

And I hope you'll understand

Beautiful Boy

I'm always here

Even when we're apart

I'll always be with you

Beautiful Boy

So innocent and free

I hope you know

You're loved beyond measure

Beautiful Boy

I hope you know

Beautiful boy

I hope you know

What I Am

I tried so hard
Not to be you
Not to lose myself in your legacy
Yet here I sit
Branded "Monster" by some
Flawed to others

So it seems
No matter how hard I try
The sins of the father
Shall be visited
Upon the Son

With no concept of words like
"Fair" or "Deserving" or "Deliverance"
I'm continually bombarded with reminders
That I came to beBecause of you

All the reasons I can't be you
And more importantly
All the reasons I am
I've run so far to escape you
 I've denied the fundamental aspects of myself

Denying the truth of who I am,
What I want and how to love
Simply because
I never wanted to live like you
To be like you

Like a poor marksman,
I missed the target
And I see you
Everytime I look in the mirror
Its your eyes I see

When my heart aches
With the loss I live with
Consequential to my own choices
I think,this is what you must have felt
Deep Down and never Said

Until I remember
That such a thought
Such compassion
Such empathy
Its beyond you

And suddenly I can breathe
I am not you
I am flawed
I am imperfect
Maybe even a monster

But I'm alive
In the knowledge of who I am
How I came to be here
And I can say it
Definitively and finally

I am not you.
I am not the sum of your wrongs
Or even my own
I can say goodbye
and live.

Tragedy and Comedy

As I walk
Through dreams left abandoned
I remember so much
So many days and nights
Lying wide awake
Through the sound of
Rain pouring from my soul
I ache to live
I yearn to die
I need to share
Words that paint the picture
Every cut
Every scar
Every drop of blood
I need to be seen
And I can't explain why
The story exists in the telling
The art lives in the poetry
Sometimes it hurts
Yet the stories still come
Told and retold
Walking through dreams left abandoned
A ghost town
Full of myriad images
That might have been
Scattered to the winds
Along with the ashes of the future
Once so vibrant
Now putrid and unlivable
Tattooed on my heart
Until finally ... Life
Cuts away, clearing the scars
Bleeding out the person left behind
I break the ties that bind
And I'm finally happy
Through so many day and nights
Lying wide awake
Through the sound of
Rain pouring from my soul
I'm alive in dreams newly born
And I die in the fear of pain's return
I need to share
Every hope
Every whispered nothing
Every kiss
The art lives in the poetry
Sometimes its beautiful
And the stories come
Told to be retold
Full of promises and what might yet be
Scattered to the winds
As I close my eyes
And I make a wish
To walk through my dreams
To tell the stories
Good and bad
I need to share
The tragedy and comedy

Emotional Deja Vu

The waves crash over me
Like an emotional deja vu
The memories rise to the surface
Just to pull me under
Holding me down until I stop kicking

All I wanted out of life
Every failure
Every dream
Every triumph
Like a kick to my gut

While a new Empire rises
From the ashes that remain
After I burnt it all down
A God to none
And king to even fewer

The waters closing over my head
Like an emotional Deja Vu
I'm going under ...
The waves crashing over me
Beaten against the rocks

Falling

Have you ever heard a soul cry out in the night?
Falling through the dark into the unknown
Did I fall?
Did I jump, or
Was I pushed?
Always remember
The best laid plans of mice and men
Pave the path to hell
Where saints and sinners wear the same robes
And the rosebushes have thorns
While the thornbushes have roses
The urge to jump in
Where angels fear to tread
Shall surely be the death of man
Exploring the unknown with
Fight or flight's knowing guidance
We run into the night, embracing forever's possibility
With just a nudge
As light as a breeze
The course of entire lives change
For better or worse
Through thick and thin
It always comes there and back again
Time is the thief of memory
Did I fall?
Did I jump, or
Was I pushed?
Falling through the dark, into the unknown

One Last Fight

"I came, just like I promised." the voice was soft and trembling, though not from fear.  She knelt down, placing her palms on the tops of her thighs in a gesture she thought might look regal and hoped it didn't look supplicating.  She smiled at this.  What a thing it would be to submit to the dead!  Her smile turned to a muffled sob as she realized he would have found it funny too. 

The tears fell as she looked up, away from where he lay, and remarked that this was a holdover from the past. She'd been unable to look at him when she was crying for years.  She always hated that and a surge of anger flooded through her at this realization that she was still unable to look at him.

"Damn you!" she said, loudly causing several birds to take flight and this made her laugh again.

"You're such a jerk." she said, looking back at his resting place.  All she saw was the cold unyielding stone that was all that was left to mark the presence of a man she felt so dynamic, so much larger than life.  She stroked the top of the stone and felt a fresh, raw surge of sadness at it's cold, unyielding surface scraping against her skin.  There was none of the warmth, softness or hidden strength that she'd felt in his arms as they'd wrapped around her, making her feel safer than she'd ever been.

"Not a jerk. You're an asshole!" her anger rose again.

"You left me. You left us! How could you do that you selfish prick?  Did you know they ask about you every day?  Did you know we all cry ourselves to sleep with-"

"They really ask about me?" came a voice making her jump up so fast that she bumped her head on a tree branch.  She whirled around ready to give this intruder, this stalker a piece of her mind---how dare he interrupt her grieving---but the sight she beheld caused her knees to buckle.  It was him. 
Defying all logic and all reason, he stood before her.  She felt her knees go weak and she clenched her fists vowing not to faint, if for no other reason than she hated women who fainted at shocking situations.  Though there was an honest fear that if she fainted he would be gone when she came to.

"Brian?" she asked in the same soft and trembling voice she'd used when she'd arrived.

"In the flesh." he said, flashing a lopsided grin that had always made her melt in life, but now his flippant tone did nothing for her.

"You can't be here." she said, her tone incredulous.

"But I am." he replied, his tone light.  He came closer, a literal spring in his step and he enfolded her in his arms.  He felt her melt into him for just a moment and then her coldness took over and she shoved him away.

"WHO ARE YOU!?" she screamed, giving into the shock.  His face fell, the happiness dripping away to fear.

"I'm Brian." he said,

"Babe it's okay."

"Don't you 'babe' me!" she spat.

"How dare you!  How dare you do this to me!" she sobbed, and did, at last fall to her knees, though to her credit she didn't faint.  He touched her shoulder gently trying to reassure her in that infuriating way he'd had in life.

"You're dead.  You died.  We buried you.  There isn't any resurrection.  You can't be here."  Her voice was now desperate.  Her need for this to be true was equal only to her need for it to be untrue.

"All the more reason you should be happy to see me." he said gently.  His voice shook, but it wasn't fear or sadness, it was . . . effort.  He was straining.

"Well I'm not." she said with finality.

"I understand." he said simply, but his eyes pleaded with her for understanding for acceptance.

"Why should I be?  If you're here then there are a handful of reasons why," she ticked the points off on her left hand.

"One, you're really dead and I've finally lost it, which would mean I was far more dependent on you then either of us wanted; if I've somehow resurrected you in my head to help me cope.  Two, you aren't dead and there's some kind of elaborate reason you faked your death, which would lead to some extraordinary thing like 'Witness Protection' or some other shit like that which would mean you came to say good bye; which means I'm about to lose you all over again and that's just the shittiest thing you could do to a person.  Three." she choked on the word.

"Three, you've been genuinely resurrected which would imply the existence of something that had the power to do that which would mean my entire belief system (or lack thereof) is wrong.  Now, which of these people do you want to be?" she looked squarely at him, challenging him to declare himself as the harbinger of her mental infirmity, and insensitive clod or the proof of divinity which she denied.

"I'm Brian," he said simply, stroking her hair.

"I'm the Brian you know and I came to say goodbye, that's true." and then he laughed, loudly and deeply, a belly laugh that reminded her of watching him play with their children.

"And I'm in awe of you. As usual." he said smiling.

"So, you're real?  And this is what?  It is a witness protection thing?" she said, her eyes icy, but within herself she couldn't deny how happy she was to see him standing before her.

"I'm real.  And I've come to say goodbye my love.  But the rest . . . " he trailed off.

"Oh no!  Don't you do that!" her voice was angry again, and he laughed again and this made her even angrier.

"Why are you laughing at me?" she cried, her anger giving way to tears once again.

"Look at you!" He said,

"So beautiful, so full of fire, so sure of yourself that even given the final goodbye that no one ever gets you're picking a fight with me.  You're a joy to behold." his voice then gave way to sobs and he grabbed her hands.

"And I don't know how I got here or how long I'll be here, but you have to believe me.  I came for you.  I came across time and space and death and reality just for you.  Just to say goodbye.  And you're fighting with me." he gave a little laugh at that last,

"I can't believe you're fighting with me."

"I'm not trying to fight." she said softly.

He stood, his energy crackling with intensity.

"Well of course not.  I mean why would you?  I mean, it's clear you're just trying to cope with something you can't understand because it's inexplicable.  Do you think I wanted to go?"  his voice returned some of her anger now,

"Do you think it was fair?  There's no fairness in the Universe.  This is all there is."  He reached out and touched her breast, over her heart.

"And it was enough to bring me back to you.  To say good bye.  So.  Say it."

"No." she said defiantly.

"No?" he asked, hardly able to comprehend.

"No," she nodded,

"I mean why should I?  I don't know what you are or why you're here or if any of it is real.  What if I don't want closure?  What if I don't want to let you go or say goodbye because I want you here always?" she touched her heart over his hand,

"Besides.  You're not real.  Jerkface.  You can't be."

"Oh I'm real." he said and his hands were on the back of her neck and he pulled her into a kiss.  Long and deep and slow.  She did melt into him this time and though her eyes were closed she was aware that he was glowing and she knew then, without knowing why that it was ending.  She wrapped her arms around him desperately.

"No!" she screamed,

"No don't leave again! I don't even know why you're here."

"Because I am," he said,

"Because the universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles... and that's a theory.  But it's something you can believe in that doesn't require faith.  Theories can be proven by science." he winked at her.  The light surrounding him was blinding now.

"Or disproven." she said.

"I'm going to miss fighting with you." he said.

"I'm going to miss fighting with you." she responded, reaching for his hand.  He reached out though there was no longer any solidity to his form and her hand passed through his.

"No!" she cried.

"No, no, no." she repeated it over and over again, mournfully.  Sinking to her knees once more, placing her palms open on the tops of her thighs staring at the headstone that would once again be all that was left of her lover, her partner and her friend. 

"Goodbye my love." she heard him as if from a great distance and she closed her eyes against the tears.

She was still for a long time after that before opening her eyes and standing up.  She glanced at the stone that was all that remained and she whispered his name, giving it a lingering touch.  She knew she'd never know if what happened was real or imagined but she had to acknowledge that whether real or imagined the experience had left her feeling something she hadn't felt since he'd died.  It left her feeling loved.

Happy With You

21 things I want in a lover?
I'd be happy with you.
Imaginary Prince making me feel loved
Illusory lover showering upon me affections
As a feast to the starving
O' to be in your arms!
The very idea intoxicates me
21 things I want in a lover?
Such a paltry number to the man that would make me feel thus:
Made of star stuff
With eyes telling fairy tales and
A head full of dreams
Though tread softly for
This is what it means
To love a dream
And in the dream comes the lesson that
From a dream one must always awake.

21 things I want in a lover?
I'd be happy with you.

Morning Workout (NaPoWriMo #2)

Wake up and stretch
Good to work the musle
Let thought flow through to
Verse that flows free
Verse to spark imagination and
Excite the mind
Revel in the joy as you
Realize there are no limits here
Except those imposed on one's self
Wake up and Stretch
It is time to create
To be free