The Anatomy of a Mix Tape

I cover my ears so I can drown
In the thoughts of you that are so deafening
Giving in to an even louder silence
Created by your absence
And its like I can't breathe
So consumed am I by these thoughts of you
Being with you
Kissing you
Loving you
Until I don't know who I am anymore
Then the music plays
With every song a carefully chosen communication
A message sent in a code
Only you and I will understand

The first song must absolutely grab your attention
You have to know how much I want you
Perhaps U2's Desire
To show much I need you
Maybe VAST's Touched
Because I'll never find someone like you again
Or one after the other
A sonic 1-2 punch of yearning to slap you in the face
And then something to dull this intensity
The Devlins' Love is Blindness
To float in the ether enjoying the wonderment that is you
Next a track to show my vulnerability
Because I'm safe with you
A Quiet Mind from Blue October should go here

And while we're being emotional
Concrete Blonde's I Call It Love
A musical curve ball, sort of like love itself
Now  The Subways' Oh Yeah
Because It's your eyes that make me smile
Oh yeah.
Now to start the wind down
Kingdom Come from Coldplay
Just say you'll wait for me
Debris when we revisit Blue October
And things get crazy in that good way
Another from Concrete Blonde to tell you that
(Love is a) Blind Ambition
With a finish of U2's All I Want is You

With the music gone
I can once again hear the thoughts of you
Only now it's anticipation
Written as a playlist punctuated with hearts and Cupid's arrows
Wrapped in red ribbon
Sealed with a kiss
Delivered to you as a tribute
To the night I spent lost in thoughts of you
Drowned in a sea of the idea of you
With the knowledge that as you listen
Each note will flow into you
Like I want to
Connecting us across time and space
When you spend your night lost in thoughts of me

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you lie to me and
The way you make me cry.
I hate the darkness that you bring and
How you wear it so well.
I hate the way I know no one will ever love me like you and
How hard it is to get away from you.
I hate the way I always come back and
The way the abuse feels so familiar I mistake it for the embrace of a friend.
I hate the way you cut me and
That I know I'm nothing without you.

One Night Stand

The way you kiss me fiercely
As if my lips held the cure for your sadness
The way your hand deftly unzipped my pants
Searching for masculinity to match your own
The way you pushed me to my knees
Gently asserting your will

And I return your kiss
Drinking the poison you've carried for so long
And I filled your hand with everything you desired
Man to man, burning in passionate fire
And I drop to my knees
Paying you the tribute you deserve

We both know you're going to fuck me
As I rise to my feet looking in your eyes
Telling me without words
That I'm wearing too many clothes
Buttons hit the wall, ripped open with my shirt
While we slowly dance to the bed

I'm on my knees
A supplicant to your desire
The familiar pleasure pain reminding me
I am the object of your lust
As you fuck me, fuck me
FUCK ME

Your essence floods me
Filling me with all you are
The very best of you
Deep inside me
Filling me, changing me
Taking the very best of me, returned to you as a gift.

The way you hold me
As if all the joy in the world just passed between our bodies
The way you lightly stroke my ass
Reaffirming the intimacy born of our lust
The way you sent me on my way
Sated, satisfied and solitary

Crossroads

North is the land of memory.
All mistakes and stupidity.
The bright fantasies of inexperienced youth.
That time when your cock leads you around by your balls
and Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll are the law of the land.
Oh what a time we had!

South is the land of responsibility.
Everyone does exactly what they're supposed to
And live revolves around tiny boxes.
Tiny boxes to live in.
Tiny boxes to stare at.
Numb and believing they exist outside their tiny boxes.

To the East is the village of family.
Watch how they hide from each other,
Even while embracing affectionately.
Where the promise of 'happily ever after' hangs in the air
Like a carrot before a mule.
Everything anyone could need; just out of reach.

Westward the sun sets,
Its bright rays stabbing the eyes
A reminder that even in beauty there is pain.
A place where living as one was meant to be
Permeates the air with the discovery of the unknown
Explored by those who understand the limitless potential of the mind

So here I stand at the crossroads
Looking back at every trodden path
I wonder how it's possible that every turn was wrong?
The answer to this question refuses to show itself
It's so busy contemplating it's own self-righteousness
That nothing else matters

Have you ever rebuilt yourself from the ground up?
Splintering the past that shaped you
Into the dagger plunged into your own chest
All the while knowing that this moment is the moment
The one you've been rushing toward your whole life
With no way to stop it?

The right words always come too late
So I learned to cry in six languages
Just to make sure that every time I opened my eyes
I could see raindrops on the window of the world
A beautiful storm.
Perfect soliloquy.

I thought I was looking for death
But it turns out I was looking for love.

Clouds

I was driving to work today and there were these clouds. Haunting, dark clouds. They were menacing but not angry. These were clouds that had seem some shit and now carried dark gray/black bruises under their eyes and the tears of their memories dripped slowly onto my windshield. These clouds roared in pain and shook with sobs that rattled the ground below me. These clouds knew the pain that only comes from putting yourself out there, hoping to find the answer to a question you can't even ask; and they knew the crushing disappointment when the answer that comes isn't what you expected at all. These clouds know that change is coming. These clouds are ready for the death of winter that comes before the rebirth of spring.

And I want to know if that's how it works. Do we experience life altering, destructive and traumatic change as an explosion of growth in the same way we were born from pain and came into the world screaming? How do we deal with that change? Do we wring ourselves to the core and beat ourselves bloody trying to understand our own pain? What we see in nature is the explosion of a storm followed by a cleansing and a rebirth where the cycle just repeats itself. Is that how forgiveness works? Is that how I can forgive myself?

Schedule

It's a new week. A Sunday, a new beginning. A day to wake up with the sun, stretch my arms and rip the curtains off the wall with eagerness to face this day! You lay next to me, chest rising and falling in a peaceful sleep. And in that moment its easy to forget that even in paradise, the sun sets.

Monday comes with the shock of the alarms ringing in my head. Responsibility crashes around me and I open my eyes, still tired and trying to do the math of how many hours, minutes and seconds until I can sleep again. Until the world fades again and the hurting stops and I can float away into the ether of a blessedly dreamless void.

Tuesday breaks through; a smack to the face with none of the comfort of an accompanying splash of water. Another day, another dollar; as the saying goes. But I'm already running on fumes and there's nothing you can buy for a dollar these days. Not even a 20 minute phone call, much less the motivation to rise above the muck where I swim with the other "dregs." Oh darling, I wish you were here.

Wednesday and I'm halfway out of the dark. I'm already thinking about you and I have to believe that what I'm thinking is the reason that it's called "Hump" day. I can't focus on anything but the memory of when you'd bend me at the waist, pull me back slowly, fuck me hard and whisper softly into my neck that I'm yours. I want to give you the air I breathe and I'm caught up in the pleasure of the pain,  because even if it's moving too fast, baby, we should take it too far.

Thursday I dreamed that we were together and you wanted me as much as I want you. I held you in my arms and made you safe. You thanked me with a kiss and as the fireworks burst behind my eyes I thought to myself, "why does my tongue feel so damn safe inside of your mouth?" And I fall again.

Friday I sat under the stars thinking about you and wondering if maybe, just maybe you were thinking about me too. Only to see the answer in the light of the moon. You're like perfection, some kind of holiday, you got me thinking that we could run away. Into your vision of the future, through the looking glass you held in front of our faces. The shimmering reflection of what we could be.

Saturday I woke up wanting to kiss you. I crave your touch making me feel like I'm being electrocuted. I crave your lust-filled eyes fixed on me as the only being worth conquering in this universe. I want to taste you again, like a secret or a sin. I think about pressing my lips against yours; fusing our bodies together. Each of us desperately searching for something the other doesn't know is inside them. Thousands of years old, too old to be captured in poems. Too old to be loved by everyone; but loved deeply by a chosen few. 

It's a new week. A Sunday, a new beginning. You lay next to me, chest rising and falling in a peaceful sleep. Looking at you, I realize, you're the perfect example of falling for someone's soul before their skin. Because as beautiful as you are through all the days; I didn't truly love you until I'd memorized the sound of your laugh and swam in the blue of your eyes.

Meditation of the Bull

All I see is red
Gouts of blood on tips of horns
You're beautiful

The sun on my skin
Like being wrapped up in safe love
It feels like heaven

All I see is red
Gouts of blood on tips of horns
You're beautiful