How to Operate With a Broken Heart

I'm trying to find the words
Or a way to explain what's in my heart
All the feels piled on top of me
Pinned under their weight, I couldn't breathe
Until this crack in my chest opened to a chasm
And I stood up feeling numb.
The real fuck of it is
The world looks the same and nothing's changed
Just a slight tint from my eyes that makes everything look just a little blue
So I just put one foot in front of the other with a smile
Walking through an unchanged world that doesn't give a damn
Inside I'll ask "what about me?" and "what about my plans?"
Then I'll choke back that sob and keep walking
Keep smiling
Because nothing's changed.
It's the end of the road
And I still got bills to pay
I still got to eat and sleep and work and dream
With this mask upon my face
Stepping one foot in front of the other with a smile
Passing all the faces that taught me what it is to sonder
Don't you know this hurt?
Can't you feel this pain?
Fuck no they don't care
Why would they give one fuck when
I can't wake up in the morning feeling happy or
How I cry myself to sleep every night because the nightmares just won't stop and
There's fear bleeding out from under the bed and coming out of every closet
And I'm trying to find the words
A way to explain what's in my heart
Just to show you, to show me, to show everything
I got ulcers in my belly all from worry
My back is out and I can't stand up carrying all this weight
It hurts here in my chest
All the way to my soul
Drowning in a river of tears that only flows inside until everything is just a little blue
Because nothing's changed
And the world still don't give a damn
So the mask smiles when I can't
And I'll walk through day after day
Until I stand up and feel numb
Because the real fuck of it is
The right words only matter when there's someone to listen

I Only Cry When I'm Alone

In the morning
When the sun shines brightly and
I can see the beauty in the world
As the leaves whisper on the wind that
Everything is fine
I swallow a pill to make myself believe, so
I only cry when I'm alone

In my heart
Where love grows in transilience
I'm surrounded by the acceptance and fellowship and
I belong in this world full of devotion and care
Yet I still feel like a migrant,
Oliver Twist holding out his empty bowl, so
I only cry when I'm alone

In the evening
When the sun kisses the moon goodnight
As it sinks into the darkness to rise once more
Painting the sky with pastel luminescence so breathtaking
The Gods themselves stop to take heed and
I shiver in the cold and lonely darkness I've created, so
I only cry when I'm alone

In my mind
Where I remember every good thing I've ever missed and
I try desperately to forget every wrong turn I've ever made
Wars are fought against my heart and
Casualties are made of everything and everyone I love
Yet when the trumpets sound the ceasefire, it's too late, so
I only cry when I'm alone

In the dark of night
When your eyes can still find mine but
I can't see your face
Only the wound I've made on your heart
Bruised and bleeding
Choked in the desperation of my amity until
I wish I could only cry when I'm alone

For Those Who Are Still Tirelessly Pursuing Happiness

Happiness is an elusive cunt.

The carrot dangling in front of your face keeping you hauling these bags forward. Always pursuing happiness, have you even thought of what you'd do if you caught it? Have you considered that maybe you can't catch it with your arms so full of luggage?

Have you considered just being happy instead of chasing happy?

What a bitch smack those words are. The people who say things like that, they don't understand. They think it's as simple as just picking up your luggage and taking off. They're even glad to tell you, happiness went off in that direction. Wait, you dropped a bag. It says "depression" on it. It's heavy and clearly high quality, and it looks so good on you.

Do you think they have it in my size?

The luggage is heavy. It didn't start that way did it? The first bag was easy; I mean you weren't carrying anything. So you picked it up and you started walking; a nice walk, with plenty of people all carrying their own bags. After a while when your arm was tired you decided to look inside.

Remember what that felt like? First the feeling of utter relief when you set that bag down; the pins and needles as the circulation started massaging the numbness back to life. Remember how terrifying it was to reach in and pull the second bag out? When you started carrying both of them it still wasn't that bad. Sure, they were heavier but nothing you couldn't handle. Until the two bags turned into four; which turned into eight which turned into ... tell me, how fast did your arms get numb this time?

Maybe you should take up juggling. Everything might not be so heavy and cumbersome if you just keep it all in the air; and you might be able to reach out and grab happiness with your free hand at just the right time. After all, you've only got two hands. Just be careful looking ahead, you might trip over now. Maybe a forklift.

Do you think happiness has a forklift?

This goes on forever. The luggage just gets bigger and heavier while you fall further further behind happiness and you realize you don't have the right to, only the right to pursue happiness. No, this this problem goes much deeper than anything you could have seen or could have controlled. And no one can tell you where happiness really is. But I can tell you what I've heard:

1. I've heard happiness in laughing with a toddler about something nonsensical.
2. I've heard happiness in the raindrops hitting the roof of a covered porch warmed with hot coffee.
3. I've heard happiness in the beat of the drums around a fire of dancers.
4. I've heard happiness in the music of lights that shine from my fingertips.
5. I've heard happiness in a lover's voice wishing me good morning after a wonderful, sleepless night.
6. I've heard happiness in dark at midnight.
7. I've heard happiness in the first light of dawn.
8. I've heard happiness in the company of the friends who erase the concept of "inappropriate."

I've never caught happiness. Not once. I've seen it quite a few times and it's beautiful; and I can tell you that happiness isn't carrying anything. Happiness is always just a step ahead because maybe happiness knows something that I don't; because if happiness is traveling without baggage, what do you suppose happiness is chasing?  The only way to find out is to drop your baggage, speed up and grab it.

Set Fire to the Ocean

A stirring in my gut
A nervous bleeding in my brain
I don't want to go
Not into that good night
Nor an ocean of wisdom and learned kindness
Such is the mark of age
The first steps of death as
The body wrinkles and withers
The fire of former greatness
A nova to a black hole
Trapped in the core of the shell of what once was
The only thing free in this world is verse
Verses that flow through my veins
Dripping sweat from my brow
Verses that erupt from my cock
Cumming to inseminate this audience
With an idea
I'm a free man.
Not to be silenced.
Not to be caged.
Less than what was
More than what is
Lost between here and there
Floating in an ocean of wisdom and learned kindness
The idea takes shape
And it becomes a reality
It is better to burn out
Than to fade away
But one does not simply set fire to the ocean.

My Friend

Will you be my friend?
When daylight fades to darkness
And I call you beautiful in the moonlight
Will you hold my hand?

Will you be my friend?
After everything and
When Everyone has gone away
Will you be the one?

Will you be my friend?
Everlasting and steadfast
When I stand alone against my own rage
Will you sing to soothe me?

Will you be my friend?
As the sun rises over the horizon
And your eyes light up my world
Will you see my smile return?

Will you be my friend?
 A lone voice above all the others
Will you help me return to Atlas' shoulders
When the weight of the world has gone wrong again

Will you be my friend?
After everything
Will you take my heart away and leave
Me and you against the world

Me and you against the world.
My friend.

Please Don't Kill Yourself

Please don't kill yourself
The simplicity of the words shock me
And in the moment I hear them I realize that no one has never asked me not to do it.
I mean, sure, sometimes people would tell me it was dumb
or that I shouldn't be thinking that way or even giving me the laundry list of things I have to live for which proves that they don't understand what depression and suicidal ideation are like to begin with
but to say "please don't kill yourself"
Never
And in the quiet and simple request I found a pause
A single moment
Frozen in time and light as leaves fluttering on the autumn breeze
And I danced in raindrops that would never hit the ground
Moved between my own thoughts that would never reach my consciousness
I  shouted poetry so loud it echoed off of the walls of my own empty mind
Taking up the pause with the simple beauty of realizing
Everything that broke me no longer makes me who I am
And in the quiet and simple pause I found a fear
A single thought
Running through my veins like ice frozen to sharpened stakes in the cold winter wind
And I dodged them as they fell at my feet
Until I stood caged in a wintery prison of my own making
Bashing my head against fear itself never knowing
That breaking is not a reason to bleed
This juxtaposition of pause and fear
Holds a quiet dignity and beauty all its own
A majesty and poetry that I live for
And as I write the words
I know that therein lies the key to my salvation
And I dance in raindrops that would never hit the ground
And I dodged them as they fell at my feet
Everything that broke me no longer makes me who I am
Because Breaking is not a reason to bleed.
Please.
Please don't kill yourself.